I got embarrassed!!!
Peeling off the grapples of Shame
Hey Friend,
Ever stared at your phone, thumbs hovering, mind racing, wondering why it feels so hard to just send a simple text? I get it. Recently, I was caught in that exact moment, questioning why I was hesitating to reach out to a friend. We have the kind of friendship where we should be able to talk about anything, right? Ask for anything, support each other, genuinely be friends. Yet, there I was, stuck.
This feeling reminded me of something I often grapple with in my journey building the JOF Foundation. Knowing that money fuels the impact we want to make, I sometimes find myself tangled in a web of shame when it comes to asking for help. Reaching out for partnerships, collaborations, even just borrowing sometimes, it can be tough. There's this nagging feeling that every message I send after the initial excitement of building might be perceived as a solicitation for support, whether financial or emotional.
And it's not just about the foundation. Thinking about my career path, starting out as a lone ranger in a less-traveled industry, with my expertise playing catch-up to the huge responsibilities, those were tough times too. Reaching out for guidance and being turned down stung. But you know what? Just that one YES answer, amidst all the rejections, was enough to keep forging ahead.
What I'm learning, and what I want to share with you today, is that so much of this feeling, this shame, is an illusion. It feels incredibly real, personal, like there’s something inherently wrong with us for needing help, for not knowing everything, for facing challenges. But what if that's not the truth? What if shame is just a trick of the mind?
Think about it: Shame often feels like deep humiliation, disgrace, or regret. It bubbles up when we believe we've messed up, or when we feel exposed and judged. But the idea that shame is an illusion suggests that those negative self-perceptions aren't rooted in reality. Instead, they often come from:
Learned Voices: We absorb ideas about shame from our families, cultures, and societies. These external voices become internal critics, making us feel shame even when our actions aren't truly wrong.
Misread Signals: We can easily misinterpret situations or other people's reactions, leading to unnecessary shame. What we perceive as judgment might just be a misunderstanding.
Impossible Standards: Society and even we ourselves set incredibly high, often unrealistic expectations. When we inevitably fall short (because we're human!), shame creeps in, even though those standards were never achievable in the first place.
Recognizing shame as an illusion isn't about ignoring the discomfort it causes. It's about questioning its validity. It's about asking ourselves, is this shame serving me, or is it holding me back?
Here are some ways to start peeling back the layers of this illusion:
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has imperfections. It’s part of being human.
Challenge the Inner Critic: Identify and question those negative thoughts fueling your shame. Are they based on facts, or just assumptions and fears?
Embrace Learning: See mistakes not as shameful failures, but as valuable opportunities for growth and learning.
Connect with Others: Shame thrives in isolation. Sharing your experiences with trusted friends can break its power and help you heal.
Akin Alabi, once said something that really stuck with me: If shame will stop you from pursuing a degree now because you think it's too late or you're too ashamed to ask for help, in five years, you'll still be the one without that degree. Think about that. Shame can paralyze us and keep us from the very things we desire.
Let's choose to shamelessly chase our dreams, my friend. Let's recognize shame for what it often is an illusion and step into our potential, imperfections and all.
Shamelessly asking for every help i can get,
Olajide